Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Fuck the Vitamin Conspiracy


Fuck the Vitamin conspiracy, it's all the bullshit of the heteronomic industrial complex of North America and all those other bitches who agreed to suck my dick, which, agreeably, is an awesome instrument of peace, love, and the slave working-class of South America, which is why I like to bathe Latino chicks. Also, also, also, why doesn't that blonde chick suck my cock? And what about those hippie-Crats such as Bee-rack Hu-seen O-bammazzz. And those two thoughts are connected in case you are wondering, in case you're too stupid to figure it out and brainwashed by the North American white privilege system. I admit, I am also brainwashed, but I have advanced through enough white privilege training to see through the fucking Global North lies, because I have purified myself by fucking as many people as possible and spoiling the ignorant proles with venereal diseases. So learn a fucking lesson from me, bitches!!!

Holy shit, I just saw Batman! Batman is a bourgeois cock-sucking whore.....just read the fucking Bat-man comics, man. If that dude was a chick, I would totally fuck him, but that would be gay, but it would be OK if I was gay, but it would be genderqueer, but I'm not gay, but it'd be OK if was gay, but I'm not guy, but I'm not genderqueer, but maybe I'm genderqueer. Maybe I'm genderqueer. It'd be OK if I was genderqueer, I'm feeling really down on myself, can somebody, preferably an anarchist-minded chick with a halter-top, could come over to my apartment, which really isn't my apartment, but I'm really just staying at this dude's apartment, because my brilliant literature is worth room and board and yours isn't, so fuck yeah, I'm feeling really down on myself right now, but my dick is really hard right now if you know what I mean. ;( ;( ;(

I just made a mural of my paint on the wall with my semen.

ONE LOVE [genocide]

ps: masturbating is great, but AUGH MY BACK

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Me and the Infoshop.org Admin Double-Teamed this Chick but I'm Kinda Trying to Keep it on the D-L

Infoshop.org admin Chuck Munson understood that the Bush regime personified
R. Palme Dutt's conception of fascism as an extreme form of advanced capitalist decay
Infoshop admin Chuck Munson has taken a courageous stand in defending Kansas-Missouri area stripclubs and Internet pornographers against puritanical prudes who have a problem with 40-year-old men sexually harassing strippers and jerking it to images of women getting electrocuted. As Chuck put it, "it's a matter of intellectual freedom", and "what consenting adults do in the privacy of their own homes with other consenting adults".

What a consenting adult does in the privacy of a public strip-club to a female wage-slave who is consenting so she can afford to buy groceries for her children, is nobody's business. Like Chuck said, it hasn't "traumatized anybody". "The old argument that pornography objectifies women is kind of a bad argument against pornography. [...] It's not even speaking to the whole issue of free speech [...] A lot of people think of it as the pornography industry or the pornography-industrial complex, I think of it as a genre."

This is why I want to salute Chuck Munson for standing up to free speech, which is why he uses his powers as a web admin to keep prudish bitches like Kristen Anderberg from spouting their hateful, reductionist feminist garbage and polluting our children's minds with this anti-sex propaganda. Sexually repressed 2nd wave feminists like Kristen Anderberg may not want gross middle-aged men stalking and sexually harassing them on the public transit system, but too fucking bad, it's called intellectual freedom, you ungrateful broads.

I have a confession to make, one time when I was exploring the Midwestern anarchist milieu, I double-teamed the shit out of this chick with the help of Mr. Munson. (And some really kinky sex toys he bought with Infoshop.org fundraiser money) It wasn't gay or anything because balls didn't touch, but keep it on the D.L. As a noble anti-authoritarian warrior I must fight for the interests of LGBT people but I still don't want them coming up and hitting on me at the gym while I'm getting rock-hard for the revolution.

Chuck Munson understands that sexual freedom is all about consent. Like, badgering an 18-year-old girl for hours until she "consents" to have sex with you. Or the capitalist porn industry "consenting" to buy the labor power of proletarians. And when some little virgin gets jealous and accuses you of sexual abuse, you just remind them that a "community accountability process" found you innocent. (it helps to be in control of the "community accountability process")

Anyway, Chuck Munson, a loyal comrade, but let's face it, he's fugly, so keep it on the D-L.

Conditional Solidarity With Forces of Jihad

If you get 72 virgins in heaven, then my life is already heaven, bitches!
I have written in the past on the importance of the anti-authoritarian movement to stand in critical solidarity with jihadists.

In my unbelievably brilliant and intellectually innovative How Non-Violence Protects the State, which was single-handedly responsible for purging the post-Seattle North American anarchist scene of weak and decadent pacifists, I wrote:

A good case study regarding the efficacy of nonviolent protest can be seen in Spain's involvement with the US-led occupation. Spain, with 1,300 troops, was one of the larger junior partners in the "Coalition of the Willing." More than one million Spaniards pro­tested the invasion, and 80 percent of the Spanish population was opposed to it, but their commitment to peace ended there - they did nothing to actually prevent Spanish military support for the invasion and occupation. Because they remained passive and did nothing to disempower the leadership, they remained as power­ less as the citizens of any democracy. Not only was Spanish prime minister Aznar able and allowed to go to war, he was expected by all forecasts to win reelection-until the bombings. On March 11, 2004, just days before the voting booths opened, multiple bombs planted by an Al-Qaida-linked cell exploded in Madrid train sta­tions, killing 191 people and injuring thousands more. Directly because of this, Aznar and his party lost in the polls, and the Social­ists, the major party with an anti-war platform, were elected into power. The US-led coalition shrunk with the loss of 1,300 Spanish troops, and promptly shrunk again after the Dominican Republic and Honduras also pulled out their troops. Whereas millions of peaceful activists voting in the streets like good sheep have not weakened the brutal occupation in any measurable way,a few dozen terrorists willing to slaughter noncombatants were able to cause the withdrawal of more than a thousand occupation troops. [...] So far, no alternatives to terrorism have been developed within the relatively vulnerable belly of the beast to substantially weaken the occupation. Hence, the only real resistance is occurring in Iraq, where the US and its allies are most prepared to meet it, at great cost to the lives of guerrillas and noncombatants. So much for the victories of pacifism. 

The time has come to open our jihadist comrades into our warm and enveloping arms, they may be patriarchal and authoritarian but remember they are objectively speaking the only real resistance to US imperialism the Islamic world can ever hope for.

Decadent counter-revolutionaries such as Yezidis, Sufis, Mandeans, and Assyrian Christians must be crushed.

EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Transcript of Derrick Jensen Democracy Now interview

There has been a recent controversy over an unaired Democracy Now interview with environmentalist writer Derrick Jensen. I, Peter Gelderloos, at great personal risk, have obtained a transcript of this Interview, because I love you, the little heroes, so much.

Derrick Jensen is author of A Language Older Than Words, Endgame, and other classics of radical ecologist literature. It's a pleasure to have you on our show.
The pleasure is all mine, madame.

In a 2006 interview with High Times magazine, you said "If people need cannabis assistance to open up, to be able to hear, that's an important thing. If plants help you to listen to your nonhuman neighbors, that's fine, and that makes a lot of sense to me."


Do you know anywhere to get some, you know...*ahem*...assistance?

Are you asking me to sell you cannabis? I...I don't smoke cannabis...

Well, then....that's awkward....in Endgame, Vol. 1, you denounced written language as a symptom of civilization. Why is it, then, that you have dedicated your life to a career in writing?

Simple, as a radical celebrity I think it is important to demonstrate through example, so inflicting my poorly-written and sappy garbage onto the world is my way of demonstrating the folly of the written form.

In What We Leave Behind, you wrote "[The dogs] follow me outside, heads lolling, faces grinning, tails wagging slowly. When I squat they sidle round behind me, and I have to put my hands on their shoulders to keep them from nuzzling in too close. After I finish they move in to clean it up, just as they do with the tootsie rolls the cats leave behind. I know this is supposed to bother me, but it doesn't."

Yeah, a bunch of jokesters on the Internet have had a lot of mean-spirited fun with that quote, and I want to say with absolute positivity that the quote is taken 100 percent out of context, I...

*yap* *yap*

Roofus! You're not supposed to be in the recording studio!

(Roofus begins felching Derrick Jensen's feces-encrusted asshole)

(giggling profusely) Roofus! Roofus! Cut it out! You're tickling me!
(projectile vomiting) Could someone please get that filthy fucking mutt out of here?!

(Democracy Now security personal quickly liquidates the dog with brutal, merciless force)


Oh for Christ's sake, you have 20 other dogs. In A Language Older Than Words you admit to killing a male duck because you thought it was raping a female duck.

Are we going to talk about something else like deforestation or the prison system or...?

Answer the goddamned question, you tubby little fuckwad, before I stain your fucking bear sweater with your own blood!

Well, I think all of our problems can be traced back to civilization, including duck-rape.  Now breaking through of the psychological constraints can be difficult, but by buying my $30 paperbacks, treatment for the mental disease of civilization is possible, for both humans and ducks.

*Quack* *quack*

Jesus H. Christ, who let the fucking duck in?

*Quack* *quack*

(Mertie the Duck begins beaking Derrick Jensen's feces-encrusted asshole)

(giggling profusely) Stop it Mertie, you're getting too close!

(gesturing to security personnel, the duck is quickly beheaded with a meat cleaver)
You're currently working on two novels, could you tell me about the plots?

Well the one is about a paladin named Derrick Jensen and his one-armed Ewok padawan, Roofus. (*teary-eyed*) ....Roofus....anyway, Derrick Jensen and Roofus must battle an evil Decepticon named Civilizator

You are such a little queer. 

(offended) What?

Oh cut it out, you know very well that we get a shit-ton of money from the Ford Foundation, and that the only anarchists we'll ever feature on our show are the ones mealy-mouthed and pathetic enough to give all perspectives to the left of New Deal Social Democracy a bad name.

Oh, I'm not an anarchist. I mean, you can call me an anarchist if it makes me sound cooler, but I'm pretty much all about the bling.

You've learned well, padawan.

Before I leave, I have a gift for you
(Removes a live salmon from his pants)

Sweet merciful Buddha, what is this, a recording studio or a fucking menagerie!? (Storms out in disgust)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

When I see Slavoj Zizek, I am Going to Go Completely Ape-Shit on his Fat Little Ass (Don't Think I Won't)

It's called a fucking beard comb you stupid Slovenian drunk
While exploring the anarchist scene of the former Yugoslovia I ran into a little problem with a fellow you should recognize. His name is Slavoj Zizek and he is a punk-ass windbag. Slavoj, if you are reading this, you are seriously gonna get some wet willies next time I see your fat, pasty, slovenly dressed, tenured ass.

I was mackin' on some fine-ass Slavic bitches when Slavoj rolls in like he's some kind of gangsta, when he really ain't shit. Goin' on about Cheaper By The Dozen 2 being some sort of metaphor for Badiou's theory of Marxist revolution. Honestly, who gives a fuck? ...besides dickless Maoists like Mike Ely, who probably hardly ever get any pussy because of their outdated and authoritarian conceptual frame-work. (Mike Ely is also a Virginian and it is a fact that Virginians are in-bread fucks who love to h8 on me because I score with their fat redneck mamas and then skeet-skeet in their Virginia Tech baseball caps when they're not looking) It is a well-known fact that Badiou is a Smurf-nosed frog-eater who beats his meat while fantasizing about being double-teamed by Pol Pot and St. Paul.

The next thing I know the ladies are swooning over this sweat-soaked, sweater-wearing shit-bag, even though he smells like my taint after hours of vigorous training for the revolution. What the fuck? He's not even that good looking, seriously.

Then I see this fat little chode on Democracy Now chatting it up with Amy Goodman. Rumor has it he gave her the old Juan Gonzalez afterward. WTF people, WTF. That should be fucking ME on Democracy Now, not some scraggly Slavic fuck who talks like an IMDB fan review on acid. It's so fucking unfair! So fucking unfair!

I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into my writings and I so seldom get the recognition I deserve. What more do you people want? I won't be your monkey you fucking vultures! I won't sing and dance for you and prattle on incoherently about Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I won't fucking do it!

Zizek, this is a warning, the next time I see you I am going to give you the titty-twister and then kick you right in the base of your spinal cord. Then I will give your ass a severe whooping with a tire iron, before spitting in your face and putting out a cigarette in your eye. And while you're mewling and bellowing on the ground like a beached dougong, wallowing in your own blood and tooth-fragments, I will look you in the eye and say "JURASSIC PARK IS NOT A FUCKING METAPHOR FOR LACANIAN PSYCHOLOGY, IT'S JUST A STUPID FUCKING FILM ABOUT DINOSAURS"! And then I will smile and piss in your mouth. And tea-bag you for good measure.

I'm totally serious.

(If anything the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park are a metaphor for the exploited workers in the colonial peripheries rupturing with the capitalist mode of production)

Sunday, October 31, 2010

50% Decline in Peter Gelderloos Blogspot Followers is Totally Fucking Unacceptable

I am not fucking around with you guys anymore. I just give and give and give, and you just take and take and take. Is this how you fucking repay me? Seriously guys? Are you fucking serious? Jesus Fucking Christ!

Things were great between us, I had two Blogspot followers. It wasn't much, but I'm not a needy man! But you just had to go and shit on it! The arrangement we had, it was perfect....

There was my first Blogspot follower, Peter, who I assume is only following my blog because we share the same first name. Peter, you've never fucked me in the back, you're one of the little heroes....

But my second Blogspot follower, Corvus - Man, you always seemed so cool, with your sophisticated Latin username and our possible mutual interests that I never bothered to learn about. I gave you my love, yet you gave me no love in return. And now you've stopped giving all together....

I will totally fucking kill myself if I don't get more Blogspot followers...I'm dead serious, this isn't like all those other times where I flaked out, I'll definitely do it this time! I have the razors and pills and everything, and I'm going to go out like the hardcore motherfucker I am!

You Blogspot followers are all I have, I care about you so much, and you go and abuse me and lead me on...and.......*bursts into tears*


Marathon of Marginally Erudite Anarchistnews.org Articles Inhibits My Ability to Craft Intellectually Lazy Stereotype of Bourgeois Anarchists

When you are a soul-tinglingly inspired political author such as myself, you know how important it is to disguise the fact that you are a dogmatic political ideologue. Therefore it is occasionally necessary to make jabs at your ideological fellow-travelers to give the misleading allure of self-criticism and intellectual rigor.

As an anarchist ideologue I’ve always relied on anarchistnews.org, which has been called “4chan for anarchists”, but is in fact is the Internet anarchist equivalent of a McDonalds play-pin when a bunch of kids riding the “special bus” stop in for lunch during a field trip. In other words, bring lots of sawdust to mop up the vomit!

So when I’m writing a brilliant communiqué, I say some shit like “many anarchists in the first world or from socially privileged communities are still stuck in an electronic mass-media spectacle-influenced conception of anarchism, for example, a recent anonymous comment on anarchistnews.org…” and then I segue into some randomly copied-and-pasted piece of stoner verbal diarrhea generatd daily on the festering scab on humanity's asshole known as anarchistnews.org.

When you’re going to college you learn techniques to pad essays while expending the least amount of intellectual energy as possible so that you still have it together to get your game on later that night at the B-Dubs with some smokin’ bitches.

So it is with great disgust that I recently checked anarchistnews.org and found a nauseating update that consisted only of page after page of interesting and somewhat focused articles. The webmasters of anarchistnews.org have pulled some vulgar and offensive shit in the past, but this just crosses the line. Let’s look at some headlines:

“An attempt to report on the situation in France - Mouvement Communiste”
“Indigenous political prisoner Ryan Rainville still behind bars”
“New letter from Panayiotis Masouras”
“UK Police Informant Revealed”
“Another Communique from the movement in France”
“International Days of Action To Drop All Charges against Alexei Gaskarov and Maxim Solopov”
“Workers Don’t Care About Unions”
“New Arrests In Greece”
“A few notes on the appeal trial against the Salento anarchists (Italy)”
“Sabotage of optic fibres and digital cable of France 3 Nord Pas de Calais”
“Modesto: People Hit the Streets as Ex-Cop Details Ongoing Brutality”

C’mon, what is this shit? I wouldn’t even be too embarrassed to waste ink on printing some of this b.s. Stick with your bread and butter, anarchistnews.org! Let me give you some suggestions:

Meet The Fockers and Benjamin’s The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction
“Leftist Shits Are Trying to Steal My Jumper Cables”
“Communique From Vandalized Newspaper Box on October 16th
“I Just Got Really Fucked Up And Decided To Write An Article”
“Could Optimus Prime Beat Up Goku?”
“Queering Your Asshole With a 6”-wide Dolphin Dildo”
“Negate The Social Rupture Like a Motherfucker!”
“Do A Barrel Roll”
Nietzsche Contra Wagner and the Works of Lady Gaga”
“From Anti-Racist Warrior to Warrior Against Weak and Pathetic White Guilt”
“XXX nude pix of Squat Birth Journal editor Meghan Guthrie XXX”

See, it’s not that fucking hard, people!