EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Transcript of Derrick Jensen Democracy Now interview

Yiff

There has been a recent controversy over an unaired Democracy Now interview with environmentalist writer Derrick Jensen. I, Peter Gelderloos, at great personal risk, have obtained a transcript of this Interview, because I love you, the little heroes, so much.

GOODMAN:

Derrick Jensen is author of A Language Older Than Words, Endgame, and other classics of radical ecologist literature. It's a pleasure to have you on our show.
 

JENSEN:
The pleasure is all mine, madame.

GOODMAN:

In a 2006 interview with High Times magazine, you said "If people need cannabis assistance to open up, to be able to hear, that's an important thing. If plants help you to listen to your nonhuman neighbors, that's fine, and that makes a lot of sense to me."

JENSEN:
Uhh...yeah?

GOODMAN:

Do you know anywhere to get some, you know...*ahem*...assistance?

JENSEN:
Are you asking me to sell you cannabis? I...I don't smoke cannabis...

GOODMAN:
Well, then....that's awkward....in Endgame, Vol. 1, you denounced written language as a symptom of civilization. Why is it, then, that you have dedicated your life to a career in writing?

JENSEN:

Simple, as a radical celebrity I think it is important to demonstrate through example, so inflicting my poorly-written and sappy garbage onto the world is my way of demonstrating the folly of the written form.

GOODMAN:

In What We Leave Behind, you wrote "[The dogs] follow me outside, heads lolling, faces grinning, tails wagging slowly. When I squat they sidle round behind me, and I have to put my hands on their shoulders to keep them from nuzzling in too close. After I finish they move in to clean it up, just as they do with the tootsie rolls the cats leave behind. I know this is supposed to bother me, but it doesn't."

JENSEN:

Yeah, a bunch of jokesters on the Internet have had a lot of mean-spirited fun with that quote, and I want to say with absolute positivity that the quote is taken 100 percent out of context, I...

ROOFUS: 

*yap* *yap*

JENSEN:
Roofus! You're not supposed to be in the recording studio!

(Roofus begins felching Derrick Jensen's feces-encrusted asshole)

JENSEN:

(giggling profusely) Roofus! Roofus! Cut it out! You're tickling me!

GOODMAN:

(projectile vomiting) Could someone please get that filthy fucking mutt out of here?!

(Democracy Now security personal quickly liquidates the dog with brutal, merciless force)

JENSEN:

(distraught)....Roofus.

GOODMAN:

Oh for Christ's sake, you have 20 other dogs. In A Language Older Than Words you admit to killing a male duck because you thought it was raping a female duck.

JENSEN:
Are we going to talk about something else like deforestation or the prison system or...?

GOODMAN:
Answer the goddamned question, you tubby little fuckwad, before I stain your fucking bear sweater with your own blood!

JENSEN:

Well, I think all of our problems can be traced back to civilization, including duck-rape.  Now breaking through of the psychological constraints can be difficult, but by buying my $30 paperbacks, treatment for the mental disease of civilization is possible, for both humans and ducks.

MERTIE THE DUCK:

*Quack* *quack*

GOODMAN:

Jesus H. Christ, who let the fucking duck in?

MERTIE THE DUCK:

*Quack* *quack*

(Mertie the Duck begins beaking Derrick Jensen's feces-encrusted asshole)

JENSEN:

(giggling profusely) Stop it Mertie, you're getting too close!

GOODMAN:

(gesturing to security personnel, the duck is quickly beheaded with a meat cleaver)

You're currently working on two novels, could you tell me about the plots?

JENSEN:

Well the one is about a paladin named Derrick Jensen and his one-armed Ewok padawan, Roofus. (*teary-eyed*) ....Roofus....anyway, Derrick Jensen and Roofus must battle an evil Decepticon™ named Civilizator™. 

 GOODMAN:
You are such a little queer. 

JENSEN:
(offended) What?

GOODMAN:

Oh cut it out, you know very well that we get a shit-ton of money from the Ford Foundation, and that the only anarchists we'll ever feature on our show are the ones mealy-mouthed and pathetic enough to give all perspectives to the left of New Deal Social Democracy a bad name.

JENSEN:
Oh, I'm not an anarchist. I mean, you can call me an anarchist if it makes me sound cooler, but I'm pretty much all about the bling.

GOODMAN:

You've learned well, padawan.

JENSEN:
Before I leave, I have a gift for you
(Removes a live salmon from his pants)

GOODMAN:
Sweet merciful Buddha, what is this, a recording studio or a fucking menagerie!? (Storms out in disgust)