Holy Shit, I Just Saw the Spider-Man for Real!

The "Let's Get This Motherfucka Started" Infoshop and Radical Autonomous Space in Barnesville, MN is a very illuminating example of an anti-authoritarian community project that has inspired and attracted the support of a broad range of ordinary people exploited by capitalism. However, in light of the "Let's Get This Motherfucka Started" Infoshop's success, it is our duty as revolutionaries to take a critical eye and ask ourselves if there is room for improvement. One of the main criticisms I can levy against the Barnesville, MN anarchist scene is attitudes of elitism that recreate the conditions....


Folks, my heart's not in it today. I have something else I want to talk to you about. Something important.

*tssk*

Alright, just gonna throw it out there, comrades - I saw the Spider-Man.

The Spider-Man.

I shit you not.

No, I was not tripping, and no, I was not drunk.

I was walking through the ghetto, reflecting on the simple honesty of those people, and how profoundly lucky they are not to be born into the stifling and emotionally suffocating bourgeois misery of an upper-class Northern Virginia suburub. And there I saw him.

A shock shot down my spine like lightning. In that immediate moment, he turned to me; that cold, uncaring stare. He must have used his Spidey Sense to pick up on my fear. Staring at him was like staring into the bleak, desolate, and ruinous face of a bitter winter's full moon. So powerful, so aware of his superiority to me the mere mortal.

Homies, I'm no snitch. I don't even use yellow lighters. I would never reveal The Spider-Man's true identity. I will say this with absolute certainty: Peter Parker is not the Spider-Man. Peter Parker is a privileged little white middle-class shit who works for the reactionary Daily Bugle and exploits The Spider-Man's proletarian heroism for profit.

The reason I know this is because I saw him, I looked into the coal-like eyes of a hardened vigilante. And The Spider-Man is a youth of color, no older than 12.

Now, the naysayers will ask, "How is this possible? There have been decades of Spider-Man sightings!" However it has been established that several individuals have maintained youthful longevity by bathing in the Lazarus Pit. People just need to grow up, break out of the psychological shackles of bourgeois Enlightenment rationality and accept that the world is a strange place.

Clearly this is another white supremacist attack on the black man, claiming The Spider-Man as a white cultural icon alongside reactionary vigilantes such as The Punisher and Deadpool. It is our duty as anti-racist activists and white allies of national liberation struggles to expose this heinous lie.

The only question that remains unanswered is the strange, spherical amulet The Spider-Man held in his hand. Orange, synthetically bright, shaped like a common, garden-variety pumpkin. Could he have obtained the device from a skirmish with his arch-nemesis, The Green Goblin? I'll leave it to you the reader to decide...