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| "Pump it up when you don't really need it. Pump it up until you can't feel it." - Defiance Ohio |
Some Hindus and Taoists might complain and say that constant male ejaculation is unhealthy, but this is clearly just a puritanical and patriarchal religious attitude used to enforce fuedal sexual oppression and the subjugation of women. Plus yoga and tai chi will not get you built like a steel stallion for the bloody and turbulent revolutionary road ahead.
I mean, sure, I'm not saying your special lady friend will complain if you can last an hour and a half without busting a nut, but the real secret to lovemaking success is to be able to bust several nuts in a row and keep on performing.
Now unless you get as much tail as I do, you need to practice solo to get that good. So let's get started.
Atmosphere
Atmosphere is very important. You have to feel like the mood is just right. So put on some sexy music like Al Green or Le Tigre. This isn't just self-abuse, it's self-love, albeit tough love.
And don't be afraid to light candles, to get in touch with your feminine side. If you don't know how to treat yourself, how are you going to treat the ladies?
The Right Mental Image
If you're like me than you've deflowered dozens if not hundreds of earnest and naive female student activists over the years, after hours upon hours of consent dialogue before hand. (I call it foreplay) Thus you may want to use the miraculous capacity of the human memory to recall a nostalgic recollection of a past tryst. If not, you can always rely on the old stand-by, a mental image of a famous historical anarchist. (Ricardo Flores Magón, rawr) Whatever the image is, it's important that you have one in your mind at all times, otherwise you might be reminded of how utterly solitary and alone you are in your dingy apartment that some really generous Swedish anarcho-punks are letting you squat in, even though their mother was going to stay in that room for the weekend.
Pace and Tempo
This part is crucial. Masturbation is self-love but that doesn't mean there's anything nice or gentle about it, so tear that shit up. Your cock is the property of the global ruling class so show those bastards you're not afraid of jerking it into a bloody pulp. The rougher it is, the more erogenous nerve-endings are destroyed. The more erogenous nerve-endings are destroyed, the less likely you will be to shoot it off early inside the body cavity-of-choice of some 100% willing and consenting 18-year-old college freshman.
Clean-up
Again, unless you're one of those backwards, reactionary, gender essentialist Taoists who doesn't believe in ejaculation, there should be some clean-up afterwards. That's not usually a problem with me, because I jerk it so hard that my prostate doesn't really have the time or energy to whip up a new batch of man-chowder every time I pop the weasel. But regardless, I want to stress the importance of not using Kleenex, because that shit will dry and stick to the end of your dick like a fucking Band-Aid, and nobody wants that. Semen is like God's wallpaper glue. And avoid the temptation to keep around a monkey rag, because that will scare off the chicks, who, tragically due to their internalization of patriarchal oppression, view compulsive masturbation as kind of creepy. The best bet, I've found, is to just go ahead and smear that shit on your bedroom wall. Don't feel grossed out about it, it's totally organic, and you'll be just like those hippie chicks who paint with their menstrual blood. (When they do it, it isn't considered gross, it's considered quirky and cool, talk about gender reductionism!) If anyone asks, just say it's stucco. If they ask why the rest of the house doesn't have stucco walls, just tell them it's security culture
Well, I hope this informative little post helped you out, but remember, you're not going to become an ace masturbator like me standing around reading blog posts on the Internet, like every good skill it takes practice!
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