Virginians Can Suck On My Dick

Figure 1: A typical Virginia "anarchist"

One of my faithful Internet defenders (I call them the little heroes) recently rebuked a vicious smear-campaign originated by scrawny methed-up Virginians who are clearly jealous of how much pussy I get. To quote in full:

Actually [Gelderloos] wasn't thrown out of Virginia and he wasn't accused of rape. Other people who had a grudge spread that rumor. No one actually made that accusation themselves. Thanks to the maturity level of anarchists, rumors still kickin around cuz everyone would rather pass on shit they hear rather than figure it out themselves. so let's all get don quixote and try to have an accountability process with a rumor mill. can't hardly wait.

I have already written once on this blog regarding the subject of haters, and the very real and serious threat they pose to our movement to build a better world. So let's set the record straight, no one "threw me out" of Virginia, I'm Peter Gelderloos, I go where I want, bitches. Those Old Crow Medicine Show-obsessed, trucker hat-wearing crackers practically begged me to stay. I left because I was fucking tired of their bitch-ass little state and having to single-handedly organize all the activist projects at once because the local political leadership was too busy shooting at traffic signs with sawed-off shotguns and playing ten-cup beer pong with Busch beer. 

 

And for those of you little poseur-ass McGaheysville Crips who think you're gangsta because you and your three punk friends grow weed in the George Washington National Forest, I hate to inform you dickless bitches, but there's something out there called the rest of North America west of the Missisippi river, which you wouldn't know about that because the camper you live in currently has raccoons nesting in the engine. (Yeah, right, tell animal control they are "pets") Why don't you go out to the West Coast some time, or Colorado, where they have some real fucking mountains. (And before some faggot University of Virginia professor chimes in with some shit about how the Appalachians are the "oldest mountain range in the world", who honestly gives a shit? Do you think we should go back to wearing leopard-skin loinclothes and eating dinosaur eggs you fucking backwoods primmie redneck?) If you're lucky, some real fucking gangstas might smoke you up with OG kush, if they don't fucking stab you in the gut for being such an East Coast pussy.

So what's the problem? Why does the Virginia scene hate me so much? I can't say for certain but I'm sure it has nothing to do with how awesome I am with the ladies. (Hey, Virginia "anarchists", I'll clue you in on my secret, it's called a toothbrush) I would apologize for rocking so hard, but when you're this damn sexy you don't have to apologize to anyone. You Virginia yokels will just have to learn to live with the fact that I fucked your deadneck sister raw in the back of your ice-head father's '58 Chevy, even though she's so sensitive because she has dreads and an aum tattoo on the nape of her neck, and then I went and fucked one of those preppy JMU sluts you hate so much, with your deadneck sister's syphilis-infested pussy juices still fresh on my 15-inch dick.

So fuck you Virginia, there's a reason your "purple mountains majesty" are glorified in patriarchal anthems of US imperialism, it's because they're ugly little piles of shit, just like the entire East Coast is an ugly little pile of shit, I wouldn't come back if you fat redneck bitches begged me. And go shove your "struggle to end mountaintop mining" up your conceited ass, you primitivist romanticist essentialist, you only want anarchy so the pigs don't fuck with your cock-fighting ring. Oh what, you think the conditions of the Virginia prison system are "deplorable"? You've never languished in a Franco-throwback Spanish gulag, like I have, not knowing my fate, or whether or not my parents will use their diplomatic ties to pull strings and get me out. Huh, well have you, tough guy? As far as I'm concerned, you little schmucks deserve Red Onion.

 

PS: I've been to the Natural Bridge, it's not that great, it's a fucking rock with a hole in it. Also, the spaghetti they serve at Midnight Spaghetti and the Chocolate G-Strings concerts is fucking horrible, it's not even worth staying up until midnight.

Figure 2: A bunch of fucking pussies. Guess where they're from....